Monday, June 18, 2018

Easier to be a good dad than a good mum

When I go out, I always see wives scolding or complaining that their husbands are doing a super bad job taking care of kids. The husband literally just stand there and suck it up while their furious wife is pouring out all her troubles in public. I ever asked my wife if she'll do that to me in the future, and she asked if I'll do that to her instead.

The truth is that it's easy to be a good dad. In fact, it's easier to be a good dad compared to a good mum. The standard of a good dad to hurdle over is way way lower than that of a good mum. I mean a dad just needs to do a little housework, maybe cook a little, wake up at night perhaps once a week and change the diapers once in a month, and he'll be hailed as a national hero to be lauded with praises. "He's a good catch!", says random friends and relatives.

But the mum, despite having to work, look pretty, do housework, cook daily, do night duty almost every day and change the diapers almost every time, will still fall short of expectations. "How come you're still so fat 2 yrs after giving birth?", asked concerned random relatives during family gathering. "How come the baby is waddling in the mud, tsk tsk...the mum is not doing a good job", says observant random passerby.

I see it and I try my best to correct the inequality and unfairness in the whole dynamics. I did my fair share of work, but due to conflict of interest, perhaps only my wife can comment on whether I am really fair and equal in sharing the duties of child caring between ourselves.

To all the fathers who are ticked off by their wives in public, I wish I can help you deflect some of the attention, but you know I can't. The best thing you can do is to step up to the challenge and start being a good dad, by living up to the standard of being a good mum.

Happy Father's day.


Anonymous said...

that is so true. just have a read at any tragedy befalling kids. kids committing suicide - why is the mum pushing the kids so hard. Kids in accident - why did the mum let her out of sight. kids abused by maids - why did the mum go to work leaving the kid with a stranger? kids abused by childcare - how did the mum not know about it until so late? kids abused by stepfather - why did the mum so itchy need to find new guy? kids abandoned by mother - why the mother like that? don't want the kid? kids aborted by mother - why the mother don't raise the kid up herself? so cruel? or why the women so loose. as if she just slept with herself to have a kid. kids can't do homework - why the mother never teach. rude kids - how the mother discipline? spoilt kids - how the mother raise the child?

Dads? hmm they mostly don't feature in kids in broken families. No one bothers to ask where did the dads go after fathering them - whether divorced or not married. they only feature in wholesome families - there to provide some bread. but in this day and age, women are expected to provided bread too!

anyway, happy Father's Day. =)

Sorry for ranting.

la papillion said...

Hi anonymous,

Haha, you also observe that too? In my line of work, absent father makes up 99% of all the cases. In my 15 years of work, I can count with my 2 hands how many involved fathers there are. I guess the guys have to step up to parenting and give women a break.

jaded said...

Cos women are more fussy and higher standards

Majority of maid abusers are women too

la papillion said...

Hi jaded,

I don't know what women generally, so I can't comment on that. But I do think that people can be unkind to other people.

Anonymous said...

The begining of suffering, haha.

EY said...

A heartwarming post from a sensitive new age dad! Great job. :D

We don't have to live our lives prescribed by others or societal norms. How good a mum or dad we are, only our kids are qualified to hand us the report card.

I particularly like this quote 'If we want to be in our children's lives tomorrow, be in theirs today'. And we jolly well make our presence a welcomed one.

If we are burdened by the baggage laid upon us, we can never go far enough to catch up with our children's lives. :)

la papillion said...

Hi anonymous,

I think it's not all suffering. Sure, there are times when I asked myself what am I doing now? But it's often offset by the really really good times. Can't really describe it. As much as it's the beginning of suffering, it's also rightly the beginning of joy.

la papillion said...

Hi EY,

I asked my wife for a report card, she said it's an A. Even offered to write a blog post here lol

But to wait for my kid to give me a report, I think it's kind of late. He can't talk right now, but I really hope by the time he can talk, I'm already far in the distance. I guess a little baggage is good because my motivation point is not to be the absent fathers I've "seen" a lot in my career.

I love the quote :)

Anonymous said...

so do you think there is a difference in the kids who have involved fathers v those who do not?

My own analysis is that with today's society shift towards longer working hours, and higher material consumption, and greater ease of information out there on the internet. it is more difficult for parents to have a significant impact on the child.

I really don't like people who like blaming the attitude of the kids on the parents. especially those who blame the mothers. they are the same ones that advocate for a loosening of societal norms (i.e. more sexualised content on mass media, lower age limit for alcohol or cigarettes, push for soft drugs to be legalised). All these makes it more difficult to raise a child, especially since parents are already stretched out by working hours.

PS: I don't think its coz women are fussier. They just have more of a mother's instinct. my other half is happy to let my kids eat Macs and chicken rice coz its easier to get them to eat those than a healthy food. He doesn't mind letting them watch maranthon tv so he can chill out. I can't. not coz I am fussier but I think I am more nurturing. Long term pain v short term gains. Maybe if he knew that he was in charge of the kids for the rest of their lives instead of just one Sunday afternoon he won't do that? so its a chicken and egg thing - he knows that this is just a once off so he can afford to slack off when he babysits for me. If I do that every day after work, I don't think that is good.

Anonymous Ranter earlier.

Anonymous said...

Household Living expenses could be split 50/50. Taking care of children is never a 50/50. If due to commitment, one party has to do more to taken care of children. The living expenses should be reviewed.

la papillion said...

Hi anonymous ranter (haha),

Yes, I think there's a difference. I've seen families with both parents being involved, and they turn out really great. Of course, there are also families with the usual involved mum and absent dads, and they turn out well too.

"Maybe if he knew that he was in charge of the kids for the rest of their lives instead of just one Sunday afternoon he won't do that?" - I think this statement is spot on. You hit it right on the jugular. It's very easy to take short term solutions with long term implication, if you are not going to there for the long term.

Ultimately, as parents, we can only try our best. The outcome we all have to leave it to whatever may be. I don't want to look back years later and say I didn't do my best. It'll be a huge regret on my part.

la papillion said...

Hi anonymous,

Not even talking about 50/50. It's skewed like 99/1 or 90/10, with the lower number being the father. I see that very very common in my line of work.

And I'm not just talking about being physically there. I'm talking about being emotionally there too. You can be there with the kid 100% of the time, but your mind might not be there. Could be checking fb or surfing the net while physically there. It's that kind of absent-ism that I'm talking about.