Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Embracing our differences

I came upon this realisation that me and my gf have very different ways of doing things. It's not that I didn't know that after being together for so long, but rather during these few months of working together on a single project (i.e. our wedding), our differences are amplified and presented to us starkly. In the past, we settle our own projects and seldom have any interference from each other, so the inherent differences in our methods of doing things are thus hidden from view.

She's more of a feeling kind of person, meaning that she'll only do things when she feels like doing so. No amount of pep talk or well laid plans can persuade her to do otherwise. Me, on the other hand, prefers to come up with a plan and stick to it no matter what happens. So often times, when I'm hurried to do something as laid out by my plans, she'll amble along half-heartedly while waiting for her feeling to come, before she'll do it. It's been quite frustrating for me, but no longer.

Disciplined and structured - my way of doing things sounds like the military

Why? After some serious reflection, I thought that it's no point trying to force another person to adopt my way. She had her own successes doing things her own way, so do I, so why should she change to suit my need so that things go 'according to plan'? Besides, after nagging at her to do things for weeks, there's still no progress, so I might as well try another tack. I think it's because of this constant pressuring on my part that causes some arguments between us, and ultimately, I'm the one who feels even more stressed up.

I think if we shine the light of reflection upon ourselves, and stop seeing others as being the problematic one, it'll be the start of a new understanding and cooperation between the parties involved. This kind of concept is easy to read but hard to apply. Therefore, my epiphany that our differences are to be celebrated is both liberating and stress-relieving.

According to her, things that need to happen would happen, so there's no point rushing it. I would bear that in mind and perhaps adopt her free-style way of doing things. Seeing how she's so happy go lucky, perhaps I really should look into the advantages and disadvantages of my disciplined way of handling matters.


Jeremy said...

Dear LP,
Yes. We are each wired up differently and so is individually unique. It is easy to say "let's get married", but not easy to commit through a whole lifetime of togetherness. Marriage is a whole lifetime of commitment to stay together in love as one no matter what the future holds. Only till death do the couple parts. So, it is the deliberate effort to love the better half through all ups and downs in the course of life.

For one to say all these is easy, but when it comes to mundane living together, that is where the challenge to love the better half comes. So, to love with one's actions and not just words alone is not an esay thing. However, this is the commitment to marriage. Sometimes we fail and sometimes we do better. We just got to constantly keep trying our whole lifetime to put in effort to love with our actions for the other half. Keep perservering with whole lifetime to love your better half with actions.

True love is not based on fleeting feelings of emotions but based on steady actions and deeds of love in display.

Createwealth8888 said...

Once the married couple starts to live, eat and sleep together; and if happen to live toegther with their parents, may be a different ball game.

Sanye ◎ 三页 said...

Dear LP,

This sounds like an echo of the book "Men Are From Mars, Women from Venus". :)

la papillion said...

Hi Jeremy,

Well said well said.

la papillion said...

Hi bro8888,

Agreed. When parents come into the picture, usually the situation will be worse. Seen enough of such shitutations.

la papillion said...

Hi sanye,

Haha, that reminds me, maybe I should go and read it. I've known the title of the book for ages but haven't got round to reading it :)

Anonymous said...

Lalala... The key point is to live and let live. It's close to impossible to change a person's perspective if he/she isn't willing.


tradevestor said...

Hey LP,

Thats right! And thats the exciting part, she being different from you. I wouldn't dare imagine if my gf is a replica of me.. sound scary.

The key to a successful relationship is the willingness to accommodate!

mm said...


You know the Chinese saying "Before Marriage, close one eye. After marriage, close both :P "

Marriage is a totally different ball game than dating. One has to deal with the daily quirks and eccentricities...

The FIRST MAJOR fight after marriage will make or break it. You will then know if you have a way to live with the other person for the next 50 years.

I am glad that my wife is "all encompassing" person. Been married 12 years. Its been fun. The boy also brings us loads of fun and laughter.

Due to my previous work, we lived aboard in 7 different countries for about 4 years before we came back to Singapore. So we did not really have to deal with in law visits, the daily grind in Singapore and the constant "when are you planning to have kids" kind of advice :P I must say that period helps to strengthen our relationship cos' we had no one to depend on when we were overseas in places such as Russia.

Good luck to your marriage and your wedding plans. I am sure you will be happily married :)


Ken said...

It is definitely not easy living with a partner. And yes, every individual is so unique. It is a skill and art to accommodate each other since there are usually pros and cons to many different methods.

Great to hear that you are accepting her ways and changing your mindset. I believe this change is a signal of maturity and it is often neglected by many.

AK71 said...

Hi LP,

I remember reading John Mortimer as a student. "I might disagree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it." :)

la papillion said...

Hi Buggery,

Indeed. Since you can't have the person you love, you must love the person you have, haha :) I think it's not that I don't know this principle, but when push comes to shove, it's important to realise that there are indeed differences between us. Instead of arguing, we just had a good laugh about it :)

la papillion said...

Hi tradevestor,

I definitely won't want my gf to be the same as me too. Too boring, haha!

la papillion said...

Hi MM,

Thanks for your insights and for sharing your experiences with me :) We're having the 'when are you gng to get married' question now, and I think you're right and the questions will progress onto "when are you having kids".

Long journey ahead :)

la papillion said...

Hi Ken,

I certainly hope it's a sign of maturity! It's one of those cases where I'm working with my gf on a project, so there's no escape but to work out the differences. I guess there'll be many more such projects to come as we live together, haha

la papillion said...

Hi AK,

Wow...very good quote! I'll remember it :)

PanzerGrenadier said...


It's a different ballgame between dating and married life.

Married life is much more "in your face" and the emotional stakes tend to be higher.

I'm continuing to learn to live and let live. But it can be a challenge if the other party's behaviour can at times border on the bizarre.

So far, I take things one day at a time which allows me to live a more saner life. Else I would have already become mentally deranged by now ;-P

In short, the journey of thousand miles starts with a single step. Take one day at a time in your journey in married life and wishing both of you the best!

Be well and truly prosper!

Anonymous said...

Now is Project W (Wedding)duration - abt 1 yr, next one is Project H (House) duration - abt 6-9 mth, maybe you will have Project K (Kid)duration - abt 20 yrs or if no Project K then maybe Project P (Pet) duration - abt 10 yrs ?? So now, you recognize that you need a team member (your wife) who share the same goal (ie. to excel in all the projects)to contribute her unique abilities especially in areas so different from you. From Piggy :)

Anonymous said...

LOL. I think god is fair. He matches us up evenly, balanced each of us out. My htb is the same like ur gf. Infact I theme mine, boss and assistant affair. I will analyse, do all the ground works and narrow down to a few choices and show him and he will go, okie...I like this, this feels rite, let's buy! And he is also a firm believer of when time is rite all will fall nicely. Universe will align to us..... Ommmm Ommmmm....

On the bright side if

la papillion said...

Hi PG,

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I think I've got to learn a lot from those who are married and been there done that.

Been with my gf for more than 8 yrs (actually i can't even remember...definitely past the proverbial 7 yrs itch), so I hope that I am more prepared to face the culture shock when one transits from dating to marriage life.

la papillion said...

Hi Piggy,

Haha, it's very interesting to see you put it this way ;)

Actually I'm usually the team leader, though a reluctant one. I never like to start something and she never likes to finish something started :) I guess in that sense the team is balanced, haha

la papillion said...

Hi anonymous,

Oh..please continue what you had to say before it got cut off. It's interesting!

Don't throw me a cliffhanger :)