Sunday, March 07, 2010

Choose the right marriage partner

** "BIAS" is a special feature in my blog where I get to say whatever I want with scant regards for your feelings. I'm not politically correct in this feature, so go ahead, judge me."



I was flipping through one of Napoleon Hill's books when I saw that one of the pointers to achieve success is to find the right partner. How true! It is important to get the right partner to achieve success, otherwise the journey to success will be made extraordinary difficult. I share with you two true stories of people who seemingly found the wrong partner.


1. A pHd research scholar thought he found a perfect partner. Her partner works in a financial institution, from a well to do family too. They got married last year. However, shortly after marriage, the wife got retrenched. The funny thing is that while the work stops, the spending continues. In fact, she spent even more money - perhaps to fill the void where pride once occupied. She also did not try to look for a job, thinking that her husband would take care of her. Thus, the poor husband will slog at work just to give her a fat allowance to spend. In some months, he had to cut the allowance given to his parents. That's not all, he had to ask money from his parents to tide over certain months.

Recently, the wife asked the husband to give her access to his accounts. A big fight between the guy's family and her wife soon erupted. Who won?

The wife.

Comments: It's hard for a guy to concentrate on work when there is no peace in the family. Haven't they sort out their finances before they got married? If they had talked about certain issues before marriage, this sort of thing wouldn't have happened. Yes, there would be a big fight before marriage - but if all is sorted out there, things would be much smoother in the future.

Some people go through the dating process without doing actual fact finding work - they just enjoy. I can't remember who said this (KK or bro8888) - Open both eyes before marriage, close one eye after marriage. How true.




2. An engineer turned teacher as a mid career switch, drawing a pay of maybe 4k, goes around nightspots for fun. Things got way out of hand when a lady she met got pregnant. That lady is not a local. That guy then went on to marry this lady, thus exacerbating his financial situation.

a. She cannot work here and speaks no Chinese or English, thus it must be a single income family. One would query how the guy can even converse with her and what about the baby? This is Singapore - without the proper introduction into the languages we're going to use in the education system when the baby is young, the baby is going to have a very very sad teenage years.

b. She gave birth to a kid last year. The guy's mum is not happy with her at all because she didn't care much about the baby. In the end, the guy had to shift out, got a 5 room flat and is now paying his ass off.

c. He owns a car for a long long time already, but the loan is still >5 yrs? Why? He keep changing cars every now and then, thus digging and digging deeper into his grave. It's amazing how, by changing cars constantly, you can drive several new cars but none of them are truly yours. Just amazing.

d. Every 2 weeks or so, there'll be a big fight and the wife would carry the baby and go missing for a few days. WTH?

Comments: I wouldn't look for a wife in a nightspot, enough said. Classic case of a trader turned investor because the price went down lower than entry price. I hope his situation can turn for the better.

23 comments :

Anonymous said...

dude, even with due diligence, an excellent company in the distant future may go bankrupt. likewise who can predict a marriage many years down the road ?

wheel of fortune turns and turns, even with prudent planning, one might get into money problems. no money even my mother will disown me! u expect the wife not to complain ?

wife and mother-in-law, no matter how well they get along before you get married, will argue at some point. in older days, the wife will endure. in present times, don't let them meet too often!

but it is ok! if marriage or life is uneventful, you will find other troubles. and majority of the marriages are successful, so the odds of success is on our side!

finally men goes into marriage knowing its a death sentence, women enter it hoping their men will change for the better! so the secret is be more accomodating, it cant get worse for u =)

la papillion said...

Hi anonymous,

Thanks for sharing and your advice :)

So I guess Napoleon Hill is right - it is difficult to be successful if one marries the wrong partner. But what is defined as wrong varies. Perhaps some right marriages can go wrong and some wrong can become right, just like what you've said :)

What to do? Close one eye after marriage ;)

PanzerGrenadier said...

Hi LP

I can testify to that fact that if you have no peace and harmonious relationship at home, it's hard to concentrate at work.

We can do all the due diligence as Anon said but the interesting thing about people is that we CHANGE. Habits can change, personalities can change.

With children, it CHANGES a lot.

Hence, my suggestion will be for couples to know each other as well as they can but to work on conflict resolution skills, how to agree to disagree. :-)

Be well and prosper.

la papillion said...

Hi PG,

That's my observation too - no peace in family, cannot work in peace too.

You're right, conflict management is a must. Sure bound to have disagreements, but as long as the relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust and love, it'll be okay :)

Getting married this year...haha

Anonymous said...

LP,

My philosophy is to settle whatever conflict or disagreements with my wife on the same day before we go to bed. Don't leave anything hanging in the air for it becomes more difficult to compromise the longer we wait. Agree to disagree, compromise, whatever it takes.

madskipper

Createwealth8888 said...

1. Open both eyes before marriage, close one eye after marriage

2. Men, before you marry your sweetheart; be mentally prepared and to accept your nagging wife as she may come sooner than expected as an unavoidable feature of the married condition.

3. Congratulations from running away from a nagging mother; but, soon there will be another nagging woman in your life, man!

4. If a woman tells you that she won't nag. Don't believe her. It is just she haven't nag yet.

Dou said...

What abt the title changed to why get married?

It true...better off not to marry than to marry a wrong gal

Createwealth8888 said...

Same as investing. Worry about buying the wrong stock. Don't invest. LOL

la papillion said...

Hi madskipper,

Thanks for sharing with me :) I'll remember what you mention here :)

la papillion said...

Hi bro8888,

This 4 pointers must have come from your experience, haha :) Nagging must be a sign of love :)

la papillion said...

Dou,

No lah, it's not that I am against marriage. I'm just saying that we had to choose carefully, because it'll affect our future happiness. If not sure, better don't hope that the other partner will change.

I think the impt question here is whether you can accept the other person without him/her changing :)

PanzerGrenadier said...

Hi LP

Some books can be helpful. Theory is still theory but beats ignorance.

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

"His Needs Her Needs"

Congrats on getting married.

Be well and prosper.

la papillion said...

Hi PG,

I read a few of the books, yes :) I should be okay haha, crossing my fingers!

Anonymous said...

Courting days are for discovering your potential mates. Get to know the person, their believes, habits, likes & dislikes and anything which irritates you.
Then you will have to decide whether you can live with these irritating whatever in your potential mates against what you like in them. If you cannot, then you should know what to do. Otherwise, don't regret later.

Don't try to change them later either for some believes, habits or character come together. A practical man can never be a Don Juan or spontaneous romantic.

A woman who believes only in branded goods is never going to be frugal.

Accept that what you see is what you get or forever rue the day you married them.

madskipper

FF said...

The saying goes: "Marry the person for who he or she is rather than who you think he or she can become."

Once we have decided to spend the rest of our lives with someone, we make a vow to stick with the person for better or worse..

Createwealth8888 said...

Is there such thing as right partner?

One can only know the partner is the right one or not when the partner lies in the coffin.

Anonymous said...

Hi LP,

I was about to share with you this seminar! its regarding marriage & family 婚姻与家庭中的基督宝座

Its by Pastor Stephen Tong http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Tong
Mandarin with English translation.

eg. 1999 - NUS Q&A: (Mandarin with English Translation)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ64bbj1JqA&feature=related

婚姻与家庭中的基督宝座
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zuEkwQ9bMU

He is good :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08OCDb6raVc&feature=related

I learn so much from him (including investment!), I wish I had heard him earlier. :)

Maybe some of you guys/gals may be interested:

3rd April (Sat), 9am-3pm, www.stemi.sg

Cheers!
hh

Alvin said...

I heard the statistics for divorce in SG is 1/3. Wonder if it is so high. So as a trader, the probability is higher for an intact marriage. :)

Since you opened both eyes, your odds should be better.

la papillion said...

Hi Alvin,

Haha, sometimes opening both eyes can still see nothing :) It's called hiding in plain sight.

Love is blind afterall ;)

Christina said...

No one can really predict the future, maybe you think you married the right person but in the end, you regret the day you met him/her. The only permanent in this world is change...anything can happen in any relationship. There's no right or wrong reason for marrying, it depends on one's perspective of what's right and wrong. Just keep the lamp burning and stick together no matter what.

la papillion said...

Hi Christina,

I don't think I'll stick together 'no matter what'. It's a bit contradictory to say that we must accept change and yet keep the status of the relationship the same.

I'm not saying that we should threaten divorce on any small little things. Sometimes, it might be easier for all if the parties involve part their own way.

Anonymous said...

Successful marriage is made in heaven. Without God blessings the marriage won't last till we do part from each other from this world. Because there are easily "101 things" that can tear both of you apart in this world. And if you only believe even with a little faith, it will be alright.

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[Sign off]